Why Taking Deep Breaths and Thinking Positively Weren’t Enough to Heal My Anxiety
by Rebecca Prolman, LMFT
I remember the first time I felt safe in my body— where I felt a warm embodied stillness within me. It wasn’t just a forced cognitive thought to counteract the anxiety that had been with me for as long as I could remember. It was real. It was felt…
It happened during a therapy session—a moment where I felt so connected to my therapist, so genuinely cared for and seen, that, for the first time, my anxiety stopped. That stillness and calm had been deeply craved and yet found completely unfamiliar.
In that moment, I didn’t understand why I suddenly felt so peaceful. But I knew I wanted to figure it out. I wanted to learn how to experience it more often.
What I discovered through my studies and research was that my chronic state of anxiety was actually nervous system dysregulation—caused by early attachment trauma.
It wasn’t that my thoughts were wrong. The issue was that I hadn’t received the co-regulation I needed as a child for my brain to learn self-regulation. I hadn’t been emotionally safe enough within my family in order for my body to relax and not be in a protective mode.
Without this foundation of co-regulation and emotional safety, my nervous system was always on high alert. My mind and body simply didn’t know how to find internal safety.
That therapy session changed something for me. Here’s what happened:
My therapist was regulated. Her own internal calm allowed my body to experience ease through co-regulation.
I felt emotionally safe. I had shared something I felt shame about, and instead of judgment, I was met with compassion. My messiness didn’t change how she saw me.
Because she held so much compassion for me, I was able to hold more compassion for myself. Self-shaming fuels so much of our anxiety.
The Takeaway
We cannot heal anxiety by only changing our thoughts. While reframing thoughts can be helpful, the root of anxiety often runs much deeper.
Even somatic tools alone aren’t enough for lasting relief. Some techniques—like deep breathing—can help in the moment, but if the nervous system hasn’t learned safety, it’s like putting a bandaid on a gushing wound.
Real healing happens when we experience compassion and love from others and learn to extend that same compassion to ourselves.
If this resonates with you, and you want to understand more about the link between anxiety and early attachment trauma, I have TWO ways to support you:
Offer 1: A 1-hour Mini Course covering the foundations of how childhood relational trauma impacts mental health symptoms in adulthood.
Learn more here!
Offer 2: A 4-Week Live Course that dives deeper into the specific dynamics and wounds that contribute to anxiety, depression, and self-sabotage—plus practical steps and tools for healing.
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Your healing is worth it.
Peace is Possible. And you don’t have to do this alone.
I’m rooting for your healing,
Rebecca Prolman (LMFT)
